100 thoughts on “Splitting & Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. I have BPD and my most useful technique to fighting splitting urges is to talk back to that voice in me that's telling me their bad, it's something that needs to be used carefully because I have caused myself to stay in toxic and abusive relationships because I kept telling myself that I was sick and needed to stop splitting and that the people in my life are good and it's my illness making me feel that way. But be careful and don't become angry with yourself for doing this and don't allow yourself or another person to abuse you because you think it's just your bpd. Check facts, ask for help. My closest family are the ones that I trust enough to tell me if I'm splitting someone or if they're actually hurting me. Even if sometimes you end up splitting them just try to trust your instincts and fight your inner voice keep the good ones around, they can help you.

  2. i was diagnosed with bpd not too long ago. i personally can have very bad trust issues from stuff that's happened in the past, like being severely bullied from a friend at the time. if someone broke my trust, i could think of them as someone that cannot be a true friend. i don't have necessary full on splitting if that makes sense. but you all, lmk what you think!! also, i use the world always ALL the time. and i am a very sensitive person and have a hard time letting people and things go

  3. Thanks for discussing this. I've had a problem with splitting (and the lashing out that used to come with it) for a long time. Over time I've learned to hold myself back from reacting immediately, but then i'm worried that maybe sometimes i'm not reacting when a reaction is due. It's difficult to differentiate between what i think is true and what is actually true. These tips might help. Thanks 🙂

  4. Interesting. I have never heard this definition of ‘splitting’. My colleagues usually use splitting to describe how someone with BPD can cause third parties to fall out amongst themselves. Maybe it’s a USA versus UK linguistic thing

  5. This is something that has been on my mind recently… I have always been that person who puts people on a pedestal and then am devastated when they disappoint me somehow and then I hate them. Thank you so much for this–it gave me a lot of helpful advice!

  6. Kati I need some advice please.
    Idk what exactly this is but I’ll explain my symptoms I believe it’s schizophrenia but idk nor have I talked to my doctor yet.

    1. I do things I don’t even know why I did them, it’s like I do them but Idk why I did.
    2. I have some hallucinations. I have a fear of cockroaches and I seem to see them but there not there after a few seconds.
    3. I stutter sometimes and can’t seem to get words out when it happens.
    4. I say things I don’t mean a lot they just come out.
    Btw I have horrible anxiety and I’m on medication for it and I have had depression and dealt with self harm.
    But my main thing is doing things for no reason that are stupid and ik they are but once it’s over I have no clue why I did it and I’m confused.
    Please help me Kati

  7. I have BPD and before I was diagnosed I had no idea I was splitting. I ruined relationships and acted horribly. But over time (with lots of journaling) I was able to start rationalizing my splitting. For instance, "what this person is doing right now hurts me, but overall I still care about them and I can talk to them about my feelings without being accusatory." It's about reminding yourself of your connections and realizing that every human is flawed. You're never going to find a perfect person. The best you can do is try to roll with the punches and realize that sometimes you can be hurt without it meaning that people are out to get you.

  8. Question, how to fight against self hatred and bully thoughts. For example I keep on thinking people hate me, or I'm the most ugliest person in the room and people would be kinder to me if i was more attractive. If I do attract someone, the thoughts become the idea that they have low standards, i can't win and its a constant stream of painful inner thoughts, even though there's nothing I can do about how I look.

  9. This is exactly why BPD people split its an uncontrollable reaction and we only can learn over time from doing it to see it, My husband and I are both BPD and we have learned to recognize and even put a stop to what we refer to as pushing not splitting. I don 't really see my spouse as all bad but has has done a lot of really weird dark things other people who have left him for. I mainly get upset when he fails to protect me or stand up for me to others I view him as weak as I'm a fighter and would never let anyone hurt or walk on someone close to me. But we have learned we feel insecure and feel the need to quickly protect ourselves from feeling abandoned, for me I shut down easily and become cold to my emotion completely numb as If nothing matters. I have CPTSD too and have whether abuse since I was very young child cold distant mother sexual abuse incest , DV repeatedly in my life later.so I am used to being abused and see everyone as an eventual abuser just a matter of time till they let you down betray you. Trust no one attitude my husband is younger and still naive in many ways trust too much then when someone burns us I feel hatred toward him that he was stupid and trusting when Ii told him so. We are separated often do to his work I'll just say(its government ) We find we split most during these time without physical together time not sex just holding one another comfort physically helps us a lot. Skin to skin I just like new born babies I find comforts me the most. This opens my eyes to the lack of care and love I must have received as a infant sadly. I however
    am a very warm hands on Mom, Thank God !
    Additionally I do feel ignored often the root of a lot of my anger is not being respected <i'm not a big talker infant my husband has to press me sometimes to open up,I found it exhausting to speak I also find it a futile exorcise because I repeatedly after i tell someone what a big deal it is to me to per say never lie to me ( this is true i'm honest to a fault and expect the same in return) But they lie anyhow and hurt me I feel they weren't ever worth the time and emotion spent opening p just to ask them to be honest and never to lie no matter how bad it is I can forgive just about anything but betrayal but virtue of a lie.
    I hate also being mad to feel invisible and undervalued when a rude clerk pretends you not even standing there it sets me off and hurts me deeply.As if I m worthless I live my life constantly sacrificing my happiness for others and when I cant even get a hello Ill be right with you its like there are saying I'm better then you You nothing and I'm really hurt by a total stranger I usually get anger and say your really rude!

  10. Good video thanks….is there any litterature on bpd and masoochism? When I get angry at someone I always try to sleep on the feelings and not speak to them right away because very often I have regreted doing that however I hae to be careful not to build up laudry lists of perceived grievences against others then cut contact.,,,fruedian slip there laundry not laudry lol.

  11. I think I have BPD because I have almost every sign of it. I do splitting all of the time, and I abandon people for it; then sometimes I’ll come back, and abandon them again in a cycle. It’s really toxic. I hope I could get a diagnosis soon. I was diagnosed with depression, but I knew something else was up.

  12. I recently saw a therapist who told me I’m “not really borderline” because I haven’t had multiple suicide attempts. I’ve only had one, but I also self-harm. I know there are 9 criteria, so what she said doesn’t make sense to me. I was so angry at her for being so invalidating that I shut down completely. Am I wrong? Is a BPD diagnosis incorrect just because I haven’t attempted suicide more than once?

  13. one of my friends has BPD and your videos are so helpful and help me understand what she's going through. also i have DID and so do you know how to tell if an alter is about to front and if you can stop it? it'd be great if you could maybe address that someday! thank you!!! :)))

  14. The BPD undermines their relationships with their anger and manipulation of others. They don't have the insight to see the splitting and it requires many years of counseling with a cooperative client.

  15. So, I don’t have BPD, but I do have anxiety, depression, and PTSD that sort of manifests a lot like BPD. I didn’t know what splitting was and I hadn’t heard of it until just now, but I absolutely do it! I’ve seen the world as very black and white since I was a little girl. I’ve been working on it for a few months though! I’m to a point where I don’t split automatically, I just get nervous to become close to someone, especially once I see something in them I don’t like. I get very scared that they’re going to be “bad” and that I will get hurt or taken advantage of.

    The way I’ve combatted this is to try to see things from their perspective. Sometimes I know that a person has mental health struggles of their own, and they did something that I didn’t like because of that, but they’re still a good person. I think of the things they have done to make me happy, to enrich my life, or that I just generally enjoy and then I think about the thing they did to upset me, whether it was intentional or even in their control, and whether they’ve ever done something intentionally to hurt me or anyone else. So far, I’ve managed to tell myself people are worth keeping around despite their flaws 100% of the time. And I’ve even been able to “forgive” (or accept) them for their shortcomings. It’s been very liberating.

  16. I got to the point where I would know when I started splitting and that I would at LEAST thirty mins before I could start thinking clearly again. I had a pattern I was hurt, angry, then sad, and angry again, then empty. I would have to wait for that cycle to play itself out before I could handle anything otherwise my thinking was just too distorted. Eventually it went away after I noticed it and kinda controlled it.

  17. I think what you do is really beautiful. I didn't even know people like you existed. setting aside your own personal issues and helping others is inspirational. it's obvious you actually care about others and want to see better. you are a light to this World. Just thank you.

  18. Be the detective, check the facts (3.45mins) is good advice. Thinking clearly and being honest with yourself about the facts really helps to stop "distorted thinking" Be committed to knowing the truth by facts not "reading between the lines" This will help to know good relationships from toxic

  19. I was diagnosed at 16 with BPD and I’m 21 now. I also have depression and anxiety and those are another story but I wanted to know if BPD goes away and if I need to be re-diagnosed for that again or something different. I’m having trouble in my day to day life and I haven’t figured out what to do with myself.

  20. Thank you! Great topic and love the focus on black and white thinking. Run into this a lot in therapy and spend much time bringing clarity to the fact it is happening and how to challenge it. Take care 🙂

  21. Hi, I really believe that I have this condition. My anger especially, is out of control.
    I feel like I have a boulder sitting on my chest everyday, which is obviously a symptom of depression. I am in a very isolated position in that I only have my parents in my life. I have a lot of self hatred and therefore don't want to be around other people.
    Can anyone tell me how BPD is diagnosed, in the event that I work up the courage to go to a Doctor?
    Is there a questionnaire to fill out or do you just list your symptoms?

  22. hi kati:
    have you ever heard of PBSP psychomotor therapy before? i'd love to learn more about it. there's this book on trauma called the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk who talks about it a bit. i wanted to know your thoughts on it. thanks.

  23. Well I left a comment explaining my situation on another video. But this is the first I have heard this term. The reason I am leaving a comment is it also makes sense. My question is what if everyone I know has been put into a bad category and the community and state are on the list too. I distance myself from my own child because I don’t want whatever I am to be a negative influence on his life. All I see the more I look into BPD is how it coincides with my life and not only that I think it is on the severe side. But none of my friends, fellow veterans, medical professionals want to help because all my communicant at this point is nothing but anger and I don’t have any control of that and I don’t trust anyone. I really wish there were more doctors out there like you who have knowledge and enthusiasm about your profession. And it isn’t just about the paycheck.

  24. Idk if u will see this comment but I just recently learned about the critical inner voice and I would love to hear u talk about it. I constantly felt like I had this voice in my head weighing me down and now that I'm aware of it, I'd love to get tips on what to do about it

  25. I used to be good friends with someone who I suspect has undiagnosed bpd. I was either really good or bad, and whenever she thought of me as a bad person, it really made me question myself, saying that I hurt her badly while I always tried to be considerate and careful about everything I said. Sometimes she got really mad at me for no apparent reason.. I’m a really unstable person myself (aspie) and after many years trying to be there for her and listening to her, I ended our friendship. I’m not saying she’s a bad person at all of course, we shared good times, and we both have our good and less good traits, but I just couldn’t handle it mentally no more. I still feel so bad for this, but my own mental health is at stake… I still wish her all the best in life

  26. I'm diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and may be one of the more like "quite BPD" typs mostly acting in. And actually I'm going to see my best friends in a bad spot right now. Just because they did not show up last weeks. I know that I did not show up too but it feels like "they don't want me to show up too, they hate me" and so I start to see them as bad people. It is a hard and dangerous time for friends and relationships because even that I recognize it, I've no fixed points to reference my feelings and so they go more and more worse 🙁

  27. Fantastic video Kati as usual. I've been dx'd with BPD since age 18. I've been practically symptom free for almost two years and what you said about figuring out when you do it is such a key to starting to manage it. DBT was really good for me, but not until I found the right meds and got treated for my ADHD. For splitting, taking a thought log of them helped me and then later reframing the thoughts that were black and white/ all good all bad. If I couldn't reframe them myself, I would ask my therapist for help or one of my more rational thinking friends

  28. This trick is going to help so much I’m going g through trouble with my friends right now and just got diagnosed with bpd and don’t know if they are just toxic or I’m splitting
    I didn’t even know the term splitting Thankyou so much Kati

  29. I usually can tell when I'm splitting because it usually happens once somebody I love says something that they know will get under my skin, and then I'm like, oh, they hate me, and then I start saying and anything and everything to them, because it's like they hate me in my mind already so I've got nothing to lose

  30. I just watched Dr Daniel Foxes video on catastrophising, which is splitting.. it helps for him to say that the "meat", the bell curve, the gray of human experience is not all good or bad.

  31. I have bpd and I'm so glad to watch this and realize how better I've gotten in therapy. My therapist always tells me to find the bad traits in people I think are perfect and to find the good traits in people I hate. She tells me to create harmony of feelings for people and realize that we're all human. We are not black and white. So it is important to recognize everyone as "human".

  32. hey kati.
    im a medical student. but, recently diagnosed with BPD. And yeah i struggle, a lot.
    do u think i could be a doctor regardless of my disorder?
    i cant manage my own feelings, they easily explode. im in therapy now but i still cant see any light.

  33. This is frighteningly relatable. I have been battling with going to see someone as I have social anxiety. When I do go to see a therapist is it ok to say “ I believe I have BPD”? I’m afraid I’m going to be labeled as a hypochondriac.

  34. Kati, PLEASE HELP My therapist is doing DBT but it's brought up lots of anger and depression. I used to be a quiet bpd and now i'm just lashing out at my family. I also find myself wanting to satisfy that emptiness with my anxiety meds so instead of one hydroxizine I'll take 3 or 4. I just wish i could calm this pain that used to be hidden and now it's like a monster living inside. Is this a normal part of the dbt therapy? I don't wanna end up inpatient, I hate it there. It makes me paranoid and physically sick. Is there anything i can do to get out of this spiral of anger before i end up hurting myself? I'm afraid telling my doctors will land me in the hospital and i can't handle that place. Its punishment, like a jail.

  35. I have bpd, and this vid is totally accurate for me. Throughout my recovery process i've realized i split all the time, way more than i thought. Simply recognizing helps a ton, tho. I have stable relationships (albeit only a couple) for the first time ever. But it takes work to not let splitting damage them.

  36. I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD but I definitely am guilty of splitting. I cut people out super quick if they piss me off… Ditched a couple friends not long ago due to this but I’ve also deemed them toxic. I often choose friends with toxic behaviour because it’s familiar/entertaining to me and once they turn it onto me (being rude to others, talking behind others backs, super confrontational) I just end the friendship abruptly. Nobody tries to make amends so that tells me even more that I didn’t matter and they’re shit friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I could be wrong but I often discuss with my partner what he thinks before ending it.

  37. I can't decide whether I wanna be all democrat or all republican. I feel like I'm being strung up on a cross for no reason. I have 2 choices and my mind wants to naturally disassociate with the least desirable but the other side will then be wholly attached by default eliminating any critical thought and choice. Is there possibly a chemical imbalance and meds for this? I hear those meds are addicting tho. Is it possible to psychologically convince people they did things they never did? I actually know a shrink that tried to do that to a pretty decent guy who simply went to see him because of a lot of stress. Seems like he was experimenting with mind control and the guy was just there for some help and to chat.

  38. Is it common for a bpd to split several family members at once? My husband inadvertently criticised our friend in a Facebook comment (we had no clue that she could be bpd at the time, but now highly suspect that she is). I didn't back him up but didn't defend her either. Myself, husband and one daughter were unfriended on Facebook, and in life. Our daughter and I had nothing to do with it, yet our other daughter was not unfriened because "she's an independent thinker", whatever that means. I might add, 2 weeks previous to this my friend had told me that I was the only person she wanted to be at her bedside when she dies. And once told me that I could do no wrong. So what seemed like a total over reaction I guess was splitting.

  39. This woman is a hypocrite. She enables the same abusive behavior here that she stigmatizes narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder.

  40. I'm having a hard time figuring out what's going on in my head. I've watched almost all of your vids on personality disorders and i have yet to narrow it down. I'm not gonna get into my symptoms in a comment section but I have many of the ones mentioned and in the extreme occasionally. I talked to a therapist briefly about this but, because I find talking about this very uncomfortable, quit a week in. I know I need help but for some reason I'm unwilling to find it. This is literally the least and most I will do about it.

  41. the way you explain it makes a lot of sense, its helped me, the problem is you need someone tell you, you are doing it, then when you recognise it all makes sense, I was seeing a therapist she told me I had this problem then basically said f,ck off, lol, still one step closer

  42. Thank you for saying those with BPD instead of calling them a BPD. If someone has Cancer, we don't call them a Cancer. I've heard the excuse that it saves time. Not a good excuse.

  43. Could you do a video on how family can support someone with BPD and PTSD? and how we can also stay healthy ourselves while supporting them?

  44. Holy shit what perfect timing to see this!!! So I just met a guy and we had amazing moments together. However, I saw some major red flags. What concerns me is I have BPD and my reactions to these red flags are so dead on with splitting.

    The crazy thing seems is he knew my triggers in such a short amount of time and taunted me. Multiple people have told me the guy is a major creep for the things he did to me. He was very hot than cold. He'd pull me in then get very cold and distant which triggered my fear of abandonment. What is so unsettling about all this is that just as much as he triggered my BPD traits I triggered things in him. He would turn everything back on me then make me feel like I was overreacting and insecure.

    And, as compatible as we were our triggers worked so much against us. Things ended badly between us.

    I have been single for 14.5 years now and he was the first guy I have had a connection with since. I'm just at the point where I give up. I feel like I will never have a happy and healthy relationship and this shit feeling sucks!!!

  45. Kati. I stopped going to therapy because I felt like we weren't moving forward but recently I feel like my BPD is like "flaring up" so to speak. I need your advice.

  46. I love this video. I just split on my therapist because she wasn’t answering my emails when she always does. So I have a feeling she is going to abandon me now

  47. I took some tests about having alexithymia,and it's positive,but the only problem that i have is to verbalise my emotions and feelings but i can feel them,and empathy and sympathy it's kinda hard sometimes,because i only feel this with the people that i love and only if i know that some cases deserve this,i do think first and judge the person,there are times when i don't feel bad at all for some people,but for the people that i care it's another story.

  48. currently getting my MA in general psychology , (PhD hopeful) and this genuinely helped me with splitting ,thank u i couldn't grasp what it was ur a star

  49. I never knew it had a name for it. Many times I've broken my own heart by killing relationships for little or nor reason, lashing out at them, and then feeling like I have to ride it out. As almost a sense of pride, I will continue to isolate myself and push the agenda even though it hurts me to do it. Never heard of HALT either, but that is pretty much my own statuses now. I'm sleepy, hungry, lonely, depressed, or angry with maybe a few seconds of laughter of delight in a week. I often get into the mindset to fantasize about hurting others because I feel they have or will hurt me. I have nearly no energy and just having to engage is small talk or being around others in the line at the store is exhausting and triggering for me. I work in public service and I skip the greetings and the"weather sure is weathering today….. did we engage in mindless chit-chat long enough for you to feel good about doing business with me yet?" I skip it and ask how many of the item I know they need they want. Then I feel angry when they run through their script of small talk. If I have to ask them how many they need multiple times because of the script, I'm upset. "How many beds do you need?" (Oh, yes.Hi)"How many beds do you need?" (Do you have any rooms available?) Yes. HOW MANY BEDS DO YOU NEED?" When I get to this point, I start looking at them with disdain from a predatory viewpoint. They can't be on the same level of the food-chain I am because look how incompetent they've shown themselves to be? They lack observation, basic conversational skills, and now appear to me as sub-intelligent. Why am I serving them? They are the grass eater and I'm the carnivore watching them from the tall grass. If I get locked into this emotion, I become impulsive. I can become hyper aggressive in hopes they want to fight. I can follow them home because both knowing where they live and seeing the surprise and fear on their faces gives me a sense of control and strength again, especially if the person is supposed to be my equal or higher. I get more excitement out of scaring the alpha-male figure. Muscular, fit, tall males like athletes, coaches, military servicemen, and what not. I feel like by dominating them even for a moment, I show myself that I am not their prey;they are mine. I don't need to use my tooth or claw because I can fantasize about it and that;s enough for me. I've always been obsessed with feeling powerful, and the splitting is a way I can experience it, just in a super hurtful way.

  50. I know when I'm splitting but I cant help it. I always feel like no one is emotionally validating me, so I let myself feel intensely. But as you said it causes more hurt.

  51. I'm actually watching this on a Thursday! Synchronicity! You hit the nail on the head! It makes sense why people focus on the outward reactions when triggered or provoked because they're not the one experiencing this internal battle. I plan to bring more awareness to this disorder, especially to other professionals.

  52. My ex used to be like that if I was late to do something a short while, I was suddenly a bad person. If the chicken wasn't as tender as he ordered it, or the grocery list was not in order of the aisle the item was found, I was a bad person, not just incompetent in his opinion, but a bad person all the way around as if a simple thing that wasn't his way was a flaw in my character. It would take doing something extremely good in his opinion, or someone else complimenting me in front of him to turn for him to turn me back to a good person again, but until that happened I was bad and he would stop interacting with me as much and sometimes ignore me for weeks at a time. And over time it got worse and worse because the bar was raised each time I achieved his standard of good until it was impossible to meet and or I didn't care to do so.

  53. Hi Kati, I don’t have a diagnosis for bpd but my therapist said I show that I meet some criteria and splitting is definitely something that I do. I categorise people when I first meet them into good or bad and am very picky about who goes in the good group. I am trying to see the different sides of people, but it’s hard for me to accept that if they did something hurtful that they can still be a good person in general. I used to also like only having one close friendship that was very intense, but I have grown out of that I think. Anyways, thanks for the video!

  54. I just got diagnosed with bpd. I think the hardest thing about it is that you feel deeply alone and need other people while it's really hard to find that healthy balance in relationships and not feel rejected all the time.

  55. I will give my entire paychecks just to find a therapist or psychiatrist that know as much as you do about BPD.
    I’ve been looking for over a decade. I’m exhausted. I just wish I could talk to you.

  56. I tend to throw myself in toxic relationships or be with people who are severely depressed which causes me to split and have intense episodes where I feel like ending it all because I know I’m too messed up to be with a healthy person.

  57. I am completely lost, I am splitting quite often, but I know some triggers. I usually do not listen and do not talk to people after they trigger me, but sometimes I can't avoid conversations and I cut myself afterwards. I am a mess.

  58. i am not officially diagnosed with bpd but i have a lot of its symptoms. i come from an asian household, mental illness is not something we can talk about so going to a professional to get a proper diagnosis/treatment is not possible…

    all this while i thought i was just having depression and anxiety. i do have crazy emotional outbursts and i never knew why. yes i get triggered so easily. sometimes even when my mom just holds my hand the anger in me suddenly boils and i would be raging. it’s like i snap so easily and it can happen at anytime.

    when i heard about bpd i started reading a lot into it and i think i have it. that explains a lot why i act in a way.

  59. As someone with BPD, honestly, it is HARD fighting against myself when this happens. I never knew the word for it. I've had a lot of genuinely toxic people in my life, so it's hard for me to trust others, so I'm guessing then splitting is that much easier for me to do out of fear so I don't get hurt again. I mostly just keep people at a distance now until I get to know them better, and they've shown me I can trust them. I started doing the fact-checking thing on my own and with my counselor's advice after years of being gaslit by my parents about things, so the fact-checking thing helped me see what they were doing and that I was valid in my memories and emotions. If I start questioning myself, especially with splitting, I go back through Facebook conversations and actual recorded evidence to see if I'm valid or not. Sometimes I'll ask one of the few friends I absolutely trust to confirm if it's my BPD or valid. I use fact-checking to overcome a lot of my BPD, and when things are too much and that doesn't work, I usually just isolate myself until it calms down so I don't say something stupid or that I'll regret, because I hate hurting people. Generally, and with self-awareness through therapy, my counselor said I'm actually really high functioning now. So, the fact-checking thing, especially when there are texts and things to check back on, is 100% helpful and effective.

  60. I have a good relationship with the physician i work for, and for the first time in 5 years on Friday she went completely off on me… raised her voice and all. I immediately went into this rage and could only go to the bathroom and cry because i couldn't scream or throw things. I have always been loyal to her, i take pride in my work and i work very, very hard and we've always had a great communication system, but that moment changed everything for me and now I've placed her into the "all bad" category. My brain won't let me think otherwise about her. I don't know how to change that or if I'll be able to.

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