I can’t tell you how good it feels to
finally be free: to eat without guilt, to like the girl I see in the mirror, to
forget to weigh myself because it just doesn’t matter so much what I weigh, to
really truly believe that I am loved just as I am. For nine years of my life I
struggled with an eating disorder. I felt ugly ninety percent of the time.
Even when I struggled to find clothing that was small enough, I still wanted to
loose more weight. Even when guys asked me out every single day like I dreamed of, I never felt beautiful or happy. And yet I still
believed my eating disorder would eventually make me happy, that it would
make me beautiful, that it would make me good enough. And there you have it – the
real issue: Deep down I never felt like I was good enough. Since I was a little
girl I’ve wanted to be perfect. I’ve wanted to make everybody else happy, to
be nice enough, and smart enough, and a good enough Christian, and yes pretty
enough. So when I got into a bad relationship in college, when my
boyfriend told me I wasn’t as pretty as his ex-girlfriends, I believed him. It
was confirming the lie I had believed my whole life: That I wasn’t good enough.
When we started dating, I was at a normal healthy body weight, but I quickly
dropped 20 pounds. All I had to do was think about the gorgeous, skinny girls
that my boyfriend flirted with and I’d lose my appetite completely. Eventually
my dad broke off the relationship and I began turning to food for comfort in
what’s called binge eating. I would eat and eat uncontrollably. I
wasn’t even tasting the food, I was just stuffing it into my body as if trying to
fill the emptiness within. When the binge would finally end, I’d feel so guilty and
I’d promised to do better at not eating the next day. And that’s when I did the
one thing I never thought I would do: Walking into my bathroom, kneeling down
over the toilet, trying and trying to make myself throw up, and
utterly failing. An eating disorder feels like a part of you, like another limb or
like part of your identity. As much pain as it gives you, breaking up with it
feels like losing a piece of yourself. But as time went on, I wanted to be free.
I really did. I dreamed of one day being able to like the girl I saw in the
mirror, of one day being able to eat without feeling guilty, of one day being
able to help someone else. And that’s when I finally found something else that
I wanted even more than I wanted my eating disorder: I wanted to help other
girls learn how to like their bodies too. With that motivation in mind, I tried to
get better. I tried to stop the binges, to stop the shame, to stop weighing myself
six times a day, but I couldn’t. And that’s when I realized that I needed
help. For the longest time I hadn’t told anyone about my struggles because I
didn’t think anyone would understand. But as long as I kept this a secret inside
me, I couldn’t heal. So I finally opened up to my pastor and his wife and they
took me by the hand and began walking me through this journey, speaking truth
into my life, showing me the way toward freedom. And honestly, without them I
wouldn’t be free today. You see I think in many cases eating disorders are not
the primary problem; they’re actually a symptom of a problem. And don’t get me
wrong; we definitely need to work through our eating disorder, but I think in order
to do that, many of the times we have to find the real problem that’s underneath
the disorder. For me the real problem was that I never felt good enough, and that’s
where my eating disorder came in. I thought it had promised to make me good
enough, beautiful enough, and skinny enough; to make me into the kind of girl
that I thought would make guys stick around, the kind of girl who didn’t have
to be afraid of somebody leaving her. But instead, it had destroyed me. One day as I
was home for a break from college, my dad noticed that something was bothering me
and asked what was wrong. I told him, “Dad, sometimes I feel like I’ve messed up so
much that you and Mom will never be proud of me again.” And I’ll never forget
his next words. He said, “Tiffany, I love you because you’re my daughter. And yeah you’ve made some dumb mistakes, but nothing can change the fact that you’re my daughter, and that’s why I love you.” And in that
moment I felt like God was saying the same thing to me.
Like, “Tiffany I love you because you’re my daughter. You can never earn my love,
but you already have it. You’re my daughter and even in your messiest
moments, I will never walk out on you.” I realized that I’ll never be perfect.
I’ll never have it all together. But I don’t have to. Because I’m already fully
known and fully loved, just as I am.

Articles, Blog Tags:

17 thoughts on “Never Good Enough | EATING DISORDER RECOVERY | Christian Girl Advice

  1. Thank you for sharing! Its absolutely ridiculous how common EDs are! And all because we are believing lies. SO glad God has broken this chain and you are free! Thank you for speaking out Tiffany.

  2. I think some people forget that you don't have to be rail thin to have an eating disorder. In high school i weighed 237 and then I lost 70 pounds. Towards the end of losing it, I would say I probably had an eating disorder. I didn't figure that out until years afterwards though to realize that that mentality I had was very unhealthy. I would obsess over every carb or point and I literally almost had a nervous break down over an extra bowl of pasta. I was scared if I ate too much I'd gain back all the weight. Well, fast forward 4 years and I have gained it all back. Could I stand to lose some of that weight? Absolutely. But I am more comfortable in my skin now than I ever was. Do I miss that skinny girl? Yes. But at the same time I know that since I did it once, I can do it again. And the next time I'll be more careful with realizing the mental grab and power food can have over me.

  3. Hey Tiffany, thank you so much for this video. It really made me smile to see how God brought you through this and how so much good is coming out of it. It's amazinh how He does that and he's so good. It encourages me that God will always get us through our trials 😃 Buckets of love to you and thanks again ♡☆♡☆♡

  4. I've never had an eating disorder but I've always struggled with my weight and my body image; I never felt good enough when I was 13; I'm really insecure about my body; I don't like the way I look sometimes; I really want to help girls that might be struggling with eating disorders and body image issues; I love helping people; I know that God loves me just the way I am; I know that the number on the scale doesn't matter; what matters is that I am beautiful and loved and that I am good enough 😊

  5. I literally cried. I want to thank you Tiffany. I struggle with perfectionism and have went through eating disorders of anorexia and binge eating. Lately I've caught myself relapsing back to criticizing my body. I did not want to go back to the demonic stronghold but at the same time it felt sickly enchanting. I thank you for reminding me that the REAL Problem is that I DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH., NO MATTER WHAT. But you reminded me through God, that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. BECAUSE HE IS GOOD ENOUGH. He loves me because I'm His daughter. I don't have to earn or work or do in order to match up because Christ already did that for me and I am dearly beloved. Nothing I do or dont' do can change that height and depth of His love. God bless you Tiffany! Thank you for sharing!

  6. I’m glad you found recovery. Do you ever feel yourself wanting to go back to your eating disorder? I’ve had an eating disorder for 10 years been in and out of treatment centers. My church family is all praying for me and my mentor, my counselor, I meet with a therapist. I just hate the feeling of food in my stomach and it comes back up by itself now. Messed up my esophagus and stomach and all that stuff. It seems like I will be doing okay but then something triggers and I don’t want to eat and then I don’t want to eat the next meal. I often get panic attacks after meals. The thing is I don’t think my eating disorder makes me better. It’s ruined relationships I’ve had to medically withdraw from college I’ve passed out a lot and got really sick at work and had to be in the hospital with IVs. People have told me I’ve looked like I belong in a concentration camp. It hurts a lot when I hear things like that or that it’s hard to be around me. 2 boyfriends have broken up with me because of my eating disorder. I hate it sometimes part of me wants recovery but it’s a coping mechanism too and part of me is afraid of who I am without my eating disorder I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of the obesity that runs in my family. Every time I’m in treatment and start eating my emotions come flooding back. My ED numbs them. There have been times I’m doing better and I think I’m in recovery but I idk

  7. 😬I don’t like my body the best. I don’t struggle with an eating disorder but I am so skinny. I have literally no curves on my body and no one has asked me out.
    It was worse in my teens but I struggle now in college too.
    This is an inspiring story.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *